Hancock didn't really think before the suggestion left him-- god, every time the smallest bit of fear breaks the surface of him and dictates an action (or inaction) for him (like asking that question, like staying behind the skeleton of that stairway) it's a mistake, isn't it? The mental chains around himself get tighter-- not on Id, not on any of the triad Nick as met, but on the most restrained aspect of all: Hancock's Fear. The bondage bites, his teeth grind, he inwardly scolds himself for letting the impulsive offer off his tongue.
No, he wants to say. No, he doesn't want to forget.
But every junkie is running from something. Hancock is always running. The refusal he wants to give dams up his throat and behind it builds a terrible crushing shame.
Yes, part of him wants to forget. But he can't say that either, can't admit the bottom bedrock of his deepest shame when Nick asked in prickling defense. So instead the ghoul only looks away, pulls back into himself and locks down that shame that allows him to kill himself a little more every day. ]
Fair
[ Is what he finally manages to mutter, a dodge of that question much less tactful than his silver tongue typically grants him. ]
Dumb question, I guess [ It's not the same, Hancock reflects; he never had a fully functional, permanent 'delete' button. Best he got was mashing the 'snooze'; brief bits of chemical reprieve always guaranteed to fade back to the familiar pain. It wasn't so much running away as Avoid, and inevitable Approach.
Being unable to actually forget made it safe to Want to, to try to. It's different for Nick. Hancock swallows the knot in his throat. He tries again to give Nick the answer he wants to, to tell him that he doesn't want to forget, because that's what he's supposed to feel, isn't it?
But he can't. He shuts his mouth again. He fights the powerful cravings for any kind of escapism he could reach-- they're not real, the chemical comforts in his coat, not unless he Wakes Up, and he might just still be needed.
Even though he feels like he's only making things worse. ]
no subject
Hancock didn't really think before the suggestion left him-- god, every time the smallest bit of fear breaks the surface of him and dictates an action (or inaction) for him (like asking that question, like staying behind the skeleton of that stairway) it's a mistake, isn't it? The mental chains around himself get tighter-- not on Id, not on any of the triad Nick as met, but on the most restrained aspect of all: Hancock's Fear. The bondage bites, his teeth grind, he inwardly scolds himself for letting the impulsive offer off his tongue.
No, he wants to say. No, he doesn't want to forget.
But every junkie is running from something. Hancock is always running. The refusal he wants to give dams up his throat and behind it builds a terrible crushing shame.
Yes, part of him wants to forget. But he can't say that either, can't admit the bottom bedrock of his deepest shame when Nick asked in prickling defense. So instead the ghoul only looks away, pulls back into himself and locks down that shame that allows him to kill himself a little more every day. ]
Fair
[ Is what he finally manages to mutter, a dodge of that question much less tactful than his silver tongue typically grants him. ]
Dumb question, I guess [ It's not the same, Hancock reflects; he never had a fully functional, permanent 'delete' button. Best he got was mashing the 'snooze'; brief bits of chemical reprieve always guaranteed to fade back to the familiar pain. It wasn't so much running away as Avoid, and inevitable Approach.
Being unable to actually forget made it safe to Want to, to try to. It's different for Nick. Hancock swallows the knot in his throat. He tries again to give Nick the answer he wants to, to tell him that he doesn't want to forget, because that's what he's supposed to feel, isn't it?
But he can't. He shuts his mouth again. He fights the powerful cravings for any kind of escapism he could reach-- they're not real, the chemical comforts in his coat, not unless he Wakes Up, and he might just still be needed.
Even though he feels like he's only making things worse. ]